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Jokes
Robert Zijp Bender
 
Tragedy!
 
An unpopular Prime Minister was visiting a school in rural South ; and the teacher asked the Prime Minister if she would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."
 
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
 
"No," said PM, "that would be a mistake, of course by the tractor driver."
 
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove into a river, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
 
"I'm afraid not." explained the PM. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. PM searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of "tragedy?"
 
Finally at the back of the room a small boy named Billy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If an aircraft carrying you, PM, was struck by a "friendly-fire" missile by our own airforce and you were blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
 
"Fantastic!" exclaimed PM. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
 
"Well," says Billy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a mistake either."

 

 
BLESS YOU MY CHILD

  

The Mother Superior of a Convent called all the nuns together one evening and said to them:

 

 

"I must tell you all something.  We have a case of Gonorrhea in the Convent"

 

 

"Thank God," voiced an elderly nun in the group. "I'm sick of Chardonnay

 
"The Kiwi Silence"
 
Note: ABC is not Australia
 
A New Zealand man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in  a

cafe when a tourist from country ABC, chewing gum, sat next to him. The New

Zealander politely ignored the ABC man, who, never the less started up a

conversation.

 

The  ABC man snapped his gum and said, "You Kiwi folk eat the whole

 bread?" The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his

 breakfast,and replied, "Of course."
 
The man blew a huge bubble. "We don't.  In ABC, we only eat what's inside.
 
Then we collect the crusts, recycle them,
 
and transform them into croissants and sell them to New Zealand."
 
The ABC had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence.

  

The ABC persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
 
Sighing the Kiwi replied, "Of course."
 
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the

ABC said, "We don't. In ABC, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then

we  put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers,

recycle them, transform them into jam and sell them to New Zealand."

   

The Kiwi then asked, "Do you have sex in ABC?" The Australian

smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The New Zealander leaned closer to him

 and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We

 throw them away, of course." says the ABC.

 "We don't, says the Kiwi. "In New Zealand,
 
we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum
 and sell them to ABC. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"
 
 
thenewzealander.com

 How to Confuse Santa?

 

18 Ways To Confuse Santa

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

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